Monday 18 August 2008
Day 139
What [static] what's happening?
I... I recognise this wh[crackle]t it's not go[static]
=transmission offline=
I... I recognise this wh[crackle]t it's not go[static]
=transmission offline=
Tuesday 12 August 2008
Day 133
I think I know what the letter says.
It wasn't "fry nud" at all, it was "friend". The last line reads "A friend".
I'm scared of the rest of the letter, though. If I'm reading it right, of course. I hope I'm making a terrible mistake somewhere in the pronunciation but, I daren't assume that. And it's pretty simple, and hard to misread, I think.
The letter starts a little strange, and I assume the person is talking about me. It reads, "To the one who knows not who she is."
Every time I read the next part, my stomach fills with dread and, and... I don't understand it. "They know where you are. They are watching you. They know what you have done."
Then, "Stay where you are. You are safe for now." - which seems contradictory to me. How can I be safe when they know I'm here? I don't even know who they are!
It then ends simply with "A friend."
What do I do? If they're watching me, surely I should get out now? But where would I go? I don't have a car. Not anymore. I have nowhere to run.
I wrote a note back.
I found a card, with pictures of some kind of food, and the back was blank. So I used a pen from behind the counter at the front of the station.
I didn't know what else to write, so I just wrote "Help."
I put it back where I found the other note, just inside the door, on the patch of dirty floor.
I am so scared.
Help me. Please.
It wasn't "fry nud" at all, it was "friend". The last line reads "A friend".
I'm scared of the rest of the letter, though. If I'm reading it right, of course. I hope I'm making a terrible mistake somewhere in the pronunciation but, I daren't assume that. And it's pretty simple, and hard to misread, I think.
The letter starts a little strange, and I assume the person is talking about me. It reads, "To the one who knows not who she is."
Every time I read the next part, my stomach fills with dread and, and... I don't understand it. "They know where you are. They are watching you. They know what you have done."
Then, "Stay where you are. You are safe for now." - which seems contradictory to me. How can I be safe when they know I'm here? I don't even know who they are!
It then ends simply with "A friend."
What do I do? If they're watching me, surely I should get out now? But where would I go? I don't have a car. Not anymore. I have nowhere to run.
I wrote a note back.
I found a card, with pictures of some kind of food, and the back was blank. So I used a pen from behind the counter at the front of the station.
I didn't know what else to write, so I just wrote "Help."
I put it back where I found the other note, just inside the door, on the patch of dirty floor.
I am so scared.
Help me. Please.
Monday 11 August 2008
Day 132, later
I think they've gone... I can't hear any noises from outside, other than the occasional car going past. I can't see anyone through the stained windows either.
There was something on the floor, just inside the front door, a note. I think they put it there. I don't think it was there before. A small sheet of paper folded in half, then half again.
It has something written on it, but here is where I encounter yet another problem. I can't read it.
I know what the letters are, I know they represent sounds, and I can understand some of them, but not enough to make sense of what it says in it's entirety.
There's this part at the bottom though, I think it's... I'm not sure. Fry? Fray. Mud, no, nud. What on earth is 'nud'? Fray nud.
It doesn't make any sense at all.
There was something on the floor, just inside the front door, a note. I think they put it there. I don't think it was there before. A small sheet of paper folded in half, then half again.
It has something written on it, but here is where I encounter yet another problem. I can't read it.
I know what the letters are, I know they represent sounds, and I can understand some of them, but not enough to make sense of what it says in it's entirety.
There's this part at the bottom though, I think it's... I'm not sure. Fry? Fray. Mud, no, nud. What on earth is 'nud'? Fray nud.
It doesn't make any sense at all.
Day 132
Okay... battery charged again.
There's someone outside. I just heard them rattling the front door, and now I can hear the crunchcrunch as they walk around outside.
I buried him. I couldn't leave him in the car, and I couldn't bring him in here.
The gas station stands to one side of a long, straight, dusty road, and behind the station the ground falls off into what looks like a huge green bowl, with dense trees at the bottom. You can't really see the other side of the bowl when you're outside. When it was dark, a few nights ago, I went and had a look down there. I became scared after a while that I wouldn't be able to find my way back to the station, so I came back, and waited until the sky started to lighten a little.
They're banging on one of the side windows now.
There was no way I could carry him, and it turned out that the car was already facing the right direction, and once I remembered about the brake lever it was fairly easy to push the car.
I followed it down. It seemed to take forever, but I didn't need to push it again, and it went a fair way into the forest before it finally stopped up against a fallen and mostly rotted tree.
I pulled him out of the car. That wasn't very nice at all, but... well, I don't know what else to do. I thought he'd left his shadow in the car but the seat was just all dark brown where he'd been sitting. Maybe that's what happens to your shadow when you die, it just gets stuck there.
Shh.
It's gone quiet outside now.
The ground was soft by the rotten tree, and it didn't take long to make a hole with my hands, just enough to put him in. Then I kicked all the loose ground over him, pulled some thin branches and leaves over as well.
The telephone doesn't work. I don't know who I'd call even if it did. When I listen to it, all I hear is this long beeeeeeee noise.
The last thing... shh! Noise outside.
The handle on the front door is rattling again.
Now it's stopped.
I'm going to go and look.
There's someone outside. I just heard them rattling the front door, and now I can hear the crunchcrunch as they walk around outside.
I buried him. I couldn't leave him in the car, and I couldn't bring him in here.
The gas station stands to one side of a long, straight, dusty road, and behind the station the ground falls off into what looks like a huge green bowl, with dense trees at the bottom. You can't really see the other side of the bowl when you're outside. When it was dark, a few nights ago, I went and had a look down there. I became scared after a while that I wouldn't be able to find my way back to the station, so I came back, and waited until the sky started to lighten a little.
They're banging on one of the side windows now.
There was no way I could carry him, and it turned out that the car was already facing the right direction, and once I remembered about the brake lever it was fairly easy to push the car.
I followed it down. It seemed to take forever, but I didn't need to push it again, and it went a fair way into the forest before it finally stopped up against a fallen and mostly rotted tree.
I pulled him out of the car. That wasn't very nice at all, but... well, I don't know what else to do. I thought he'd left his shadow in the car but the seat was just all dark brown where he'd been sitting. Maybe that's what happens to your shadow when you die, it just gets stuck there.
Shh.
It's gone quiet outside now.
The ground was soft by the rotten tree, and it didn't take long to make a hole with my hands, just enough to put him in. Then I kicked all the loose ground over him, pulled some thin branches and leaves over as well.
The telephone doesn't work. I don't know who I'd call even if it did. When I listen to it, all I hear is this long beeeeeeee noise.
The last thing... shh! Noise outside.
The handle on the front door is rattling again.
Now it's stopped.
I'm going to go and look.
Tuesday 5 August 2008
Day 126
I've slept, mostly. And eaten, but tried not to eat too much... I've no idea how long this food is going to last. The water does seem to be clean too... I don't feel ill or anything. Just tired.
I'm starting to think something truly awful might have happened. He wasn't asleep, at all, and I'm alone.
I don't know what this recorder actually does, but, it's here, and it focuses my mind on a task.
I'm starting to remember some things, too, from before... before whatever it was.
The world seemed dull and flat, before. It seemed empty, and unfulfilling.
But still... I'm starting to think I would have been better off there, but that was out of my control, and things have happened since then to make returning irreversible.
I don't know what to do, about him. He's still sitting there, not moving.
I think he might be dead.
What do I do?
I'm starting to think something truly awful might have happened. He wasn't asleep, at all, and I'm alone.
I don't know what this recorder actually does, but, it's here, and it focuses my mind on a task.
I'm starting to remember some things, too, from before... before whatever it was.
The world seemed dull and flat, before. It seemed empty, and unfulfilling.
But still... I'm starting to think I would have been better off there, but that was out of my control, and things have happened since then to make returning irreversible.
I don't know what to do, about him. He's still sitting there, not moving.
I think he might be dead.
What do I do?
Monday 4 August 2008
Day 125
[click]-lo? Hello?
Hello?
OK, I guess this is working, then.
The one thing that's been consistant over the last few months is this recorder, so, I think I'll keep using it. I don't know what else to do.
At least this place still has electricity. Ah, yeah, I forget that there's things you don't know, things you haven't been told. I'm in an abandoned gas station. There's food here, stuff in tins, and occasionally another car will drive past. Sometimes, rarely, someone will come and rattle the main doors at the front, but they always go away, eventually, and it's not like this place doesn't look abandoned.
So, we managed to escape from them. He, he helped me drive, all this way, I don't know how long it took, but the sun set and rose again during the journey, and I was so, so tired. I'd never driven a car for that long before, never for more than about 10 minutes before, but it had to be done, otherwise... I don't know what, otherwise.
He kept falling asleep, and I dared not wake him, he seemed to be in a lot of pain. He wouldn't let me know why. So, I just kept driving. He woke up, and told me to pull over into this place, and here is where we, and the car, have stayed.
That was the last thing he said to me.
I don't know what else to do.
I need help. I need answers. I have no idea where to go, who to ask. I'm too scared to ask any of the people who keep coming here, who keep driving past, who are presumably going about their own business. I'm also utterly, terribly frightened, because I think the only people who can answer my questions are the people who are looking for me, and I can't risk them finding me.
He had the answers too, I think. Maybe he didn't know what they meant, though. I tried for a long, long time, to wake him up. I felt sure he was just asleep. Maybe he still is.
So, right now, all I have is to keep myself going, is this recorder. I will keep myself going.
I don't know how long the food in here will last. The water seems clean.
Maybe he's just asleep. I should check.
Hello?
OK, I guess this is working, then.
The one thing that's been consistant over the last few months is this recorder, so, I think I'll keep using it. I don't know what else to do.
At least this place still has electricity. Ah, yeah, I forget that there's things you don't know, things you haven't been told. I'm in an abandoned gas station. There's food here, stuff in tins, and occasionally another car will drive past. Sometimes, rarely, someone will come and rattle the main doors at the front, but they always go away, eventually, and it's not like this place doesn't look abandoned.
So, we managed to escape from them. He, he helped me drive, all this way, I don't know how long it took, but the sun set and rose again during the journey, and I was so, so tired. I'd never driven a car for that long before, never for more than about 10 minutes before, but it had to be done, otherwise... I don't know what, otherwise.
He kept falling asleep, and I dared not wake him, he seemed to be in a lot of pain. He wouldn't let me know why. So, I just kept driving. He woke up, and told me to pull over into this place, and here is where we, and the car, have stayed.
That was the last thing he said to me.
I don't know what else to do.
I need help. I need answers. I have no idea where to go, who to ask. I'm too scared to ask any of the people who keep coming here, who keep driving past, who are presumably going about their own business. I'm also utterly, terribly frightened, because I think the only people who can answer my questions are the people who are looking for me, and I can't risk them finding me.
He had the answers too, I think. Maybe he didn't know what they meant, though. I tried for a long, long time, to wake him up. I felt sure he was just asleep. Maybe he still is.
So, right now, all I have is to keep myself going, is this recorder. I will keep myself going.
I don't know how long the food in here will last. The water seems clean.
Maybe he's just asleep. I should check.
Wednesday 30 July 2008
Day 120, later
[untranslatable]... Are you ok? [static]
Battery low, I think, the light is flashing red. I don't know.
I'm getting tired... I can't drive like this for much longer... I've... are you ok?
We just have to get there... then... But we have to be more careful, they [static]
Battery low, I think, the light is flashing red. I don't know.
I'm getting tired... I can't drive like this for much longer... I've... are you ok?
We just have to get there... then... But we have to be more careful, they [static]
Day 120
[static]
[sound of banging on glass]
... WHAT? I can't hear you! The rain, it's drowning out your voice! Get into the car!
What's wrong? What's wrong? Why are you... we have to go? Right now?
Why can't you drive? Yes, I know enough, I think... I... I just... like that?
I'm sorry! OH MY... WHAT?! I'm scared... I'm trying, I'm trying!
The recorder's on! Turn it off, turn it... I'm sorry! Put your seatbelt on! I can't see!
We only ever drove during the day! I don't know what to do!
How did they find us again? We
[rushing, whacking leaves, screech of metal]
were safe, weren't we? They tracked us how? Through the what?
What? We're getting away, aren't we? Getting away from them, again. Aren't we?
You... you look pale... I... Turn it off now. Turn it off.
[sound of banging on glass]
... WHAT? I can't hear you! The rain, it's drowning out your voice! Get into the car!
What's wrong? What's wrong? Why are you... we have to go? Right now?
Why can't you drive? Yes, I know enough, I think... I... I just... like that?
I'm sorry! OH MY... WHAT?! I'm scared... I'm trying, I'm trying!
The recorder's on! Turn it off, turn it... I'm sorry! Put your seatbelt on! I can't see!
We only ever drove during the day! I don't know what to do!
How did they find us again? We
[rushing, whacking leaves, screech of metal]
were safe, weren't we? They tracked us how? Through the what?
What? We're getting away, aren't we? Getting away from them, again. Aren't we?
You... you look pale... I... Turn it off now. Turn it off.
Wednesday 23 July 2008
Day 113
I'm... I'm what? No, I don't understand. Sure, you've done a pretty good job of explaining things to me but, no... that just doesn't make any sense.
I don't understand how that makes me so... what? Never? Well, what about me then? Is that why I feel so out-of-place? Is that why everything is so familiar, yet so new? Is that why this whole world feels like, I don't know, feels like... damn I just don't have the words.
It's like the difference between someone who has ridden a bike all his life, compared to someone who's just been told what a bike is, and read about one, and seen pictures of one, throughout their life, so much so that they feel that if they were given a bike for the first time, they'd know exactly how to use it. I feel like I KNOW what everything is, how everything works, but I realise that it's not through my own actions and learning, but through explanation and word-of-mouth and second-hand knowledge.
And now, these things you're telling me. These explanations for why I feel like this, why I'm different, why I can't remember things before that time...
Why now? Why wasn't I ready to be told this last week? Or next week? Why now?
I don't understand how that makes me so... what? Never? Well, what about me then? Is that why I feel so out-of-place? Is that why everything is so familiar, yet so new? Is that why this whole world feels like, I don't know, feels like... damn I just don't have the words.
It's like the difference between someone who has ridden a bike all his life, compared to someone who's just been told what a bike is, and read about one, and seen pictures of one, throughout their life, so much so that they feel that if they were given a bike for the first time, they'd know exactly how to use it. I feel like I KNOW what everything is, how everything works, but I realise that it's not through my own actions and learning, but through explanation and word-of-mouth and second-hand knowledge.
And now, these things you're telling me. These explanations for why I feel like this, why I'm different, why I can't remember things before that time...
Why now? Why wasn't I ready to be told this last week? Or next week? Why now?
Monday 21 July 2008
Day 111
Well, good morning to you, too.
Sorry? Oh... pretty badly actually. I kept having the same nightmare whenever I drifted off to sleep.
Yeah, I can remember it pretty vividly. I think it's part of the memories I'm repressing, but earlier in time to the part with the white walls.
Just like the other part, with the walls, I'm kinda watching myself from outside. I see myself walking up a stoney pathway towards a large house, and the sky is dark and cloudy. The house is set on a cliff top and beyond it I can see the sea. As I get closer to the house the viewpoint moves past me, and into the house, and I get a feeling of dread, as though there's something waiting inside for me. The point of view in my dream focuses on something in the house, and I know I should remember what it is, but in the dream it's just an empty space for me. It has that feeling, you know, like a blind spot, knowing there's something there but just being unable to see it. At that point I wake up.
I'm sorry too, it doesn't really shed any more light on what happened.
Of course I'll let you know. I need to know what happened more than you do, believe me.
Sorry? Oh... pretty badly actually. I kept having the same nightmare whenever I drifted off to sleep.
Yeah, I can remember it pretty vividly. I think it's part of the memories I'm repressing, but earlier in time to the part with the white walls.
Just like the other part, with the walls, I'm kinda watching myself from outside. I see myself walking up a stoney pathway towards a large house, and the sky is dark and cloudy. The house is set on a cliff top and beyond it I can see the sea. As I get closer to the house the viewpoint moves past me, and into the house, and I get a feeling of dread, as though there's something waiting inside for me. The point of view in my dream focuses on something in the house, and I know I should remember what it is, but in the dream it's just an empty space for me. It has that feeling, you know, like a blind spot, knowing there's something there but just being unable to see it. At that point I wake up.
I'm sorry too, it doesn't really shed any more light on what happened.
Of course I'll let you know. I need to know what happened more than you do, believe me.
Monday 7 July 2008
Day 97
Yeah... I know. I've been awake for a while actually, listening to the sea. I'm still on edge... can't quite settle down. They could be here any moment... yes, yes, even though you tell me we're safe. I just have this feeling.
But... I don't want to be a burden on you. But I'm too scared to face the world by myself, that's for sure. I don't have anything to give you, all I can do is do whatever you ask me to do, to help.
No, not yet. Not unless we have to. I'm just taking this time to try and remember.
My dream? No, not much more. I keep waking up at the same point, with my eyes failing to adjust to the darkness revealed by the white walls falling away.
I know. Me too.
But... I don't want to be a burden on you. But I'm too scared to face the world by myself, that's for sure. I don't have anything to give you, all I can do is do whatever you ask me to do, to help.
No, not yet. Not unless we have to. I'm just taking this time to try and remember.
My dream? No, not much more. I keep waking up at the same point, with my eyes failing to adjust to the darkness revealed by the white walls falling away.
I know. Me too.
Thursday 3 July 2008
Day 93
Yes... it is very quiet here.
It's also very beautiful. Again the feeling of discord, of... of believing that I know what all these things are, yet not getting that spark of recognition. But then, you know that's how I feel.
But, I'm trying to put that aside, trying to ignore it, even though I get that feeling almost all of the time.
You say this house isn't linked to you? A friend? And you can trust them? I have no idea. I have to trust your judgement again. I'm not entirely convinced though, they seem to be very resourceful. I wish I knew why I was so important.
No, I'm fine. It's so peaceful sitting here watching the... the waves washing up on the beach. At least now I have time to think.
Yes, I did, while I was dozing in the car yesterday. The dream started the same as before, with just the feeling of enclosure, of... what? Claus... claustrophobia, yes. Then I saw the walls, the white walls, all around me. But this time the dream lasted a little longer, and the walls started getting brighter, seemingly lit by nothing other than themselves, until they were almost painfully bright. Just as I began to think I couldn't stand the brightness, the walls seemed to fall away, allowing a brief glimpse of something darker outside, but my eyes could not adjust in time, because at that point I woke up. To find myself in your car, here.
I'm hungry.
It's also very beautiful. Again the feeling of discord, of... of believing that I know what all these things are, yet not getting that spark of recognition. But then, you know that's how I feel.
But, I'm trying to put that aside, trying to ignore it, even though I get that feeling almost all of the time.
You say this house isn't linked to you? A friend? And you can trust them? I have no idea. I have to trust your judgement again. I'm not entirely convinced though, they seem to be very resourceful. I wish I knew why I was so important.
No, I'm fine. It's so peaceful sitting here watching the... the waves washing up on the beach. At least now I have time to think.
Yes, I did, while I was dozing in the car yesterday. The dream started the same as before, with just the feeling of enclosure, of... what? Claus... claustrophobia, yes. Then I saw the walls, the white walls, all around me. But this time the dream lasted a little longer, and the walls started getting brighter, seemingly lit by nothing other than themselves, until they were almost painfully bright. Just as I began to think I couldn't stand the brightness, the walls seemed to fall away, allowing a brief glimpse of something darker outside, but my eyes could not adjust in time, because at that point I woke up. To find myself in your car, here.
I'm hungry.
Tuesday 1 July 2008
Day 91
Okay, okay! It's on now. Please don't shout, I know, I know!
Well, somehow they found us. You promised me we'd be... I know it's not your fault! I'm sorry! You said we'd be safe but we weren't and they found us.
I am! I don't know why you asked me to record this now! We're in your vehicle heading who knows where, and we're both stressing out.
You say they don't know where we are at the moment. I hope that's true... do you have a destination in mind?
You tried to explain to me why they're after us, and I still, still don't fully understand. You say that I'm special somehow, that something happened to me that is unique. You used words that I recognise yet don't understand, so some of it still doesn't make any sense.
I spent the last few weeks learning, I guess, learning about the way the world is, but yet again it felt like I was learning something I already knew, but everything was ever-so subtly different.
We should record more often if you want to keep this up to date, it's hard trying to remember everything that happens when events are so compressed and flow so quickly as they have in recent weeks.
Time... I'm kinda getting used to the speed of it, or the slowness of it... and the way it changes, seemingly flowing quickly one moment then dragging the next. Another oddity of this world I suppose. Which is such a weird thing to say, now I've said it aloud. You tell me I'm not alien, I'm not a stroke victim, I'm not a survivor from some horrid accident, but still... No, I don't know.
Careful! Please, please, I'm only gradually getting used to the world, let alone travelling in a vehicle!
Yes, I think it has plenty of battery, we left it charging over night remember? Anyway, the light is still flashing so I guess it's still recording.
It's late afternoon so the sun is reasonably high, but you say we're going to be on the road for a long time. I know, there's no way I can drive, can you take breaks? Okay sure, but please, don't let us be in more danger from those that hunt us, if you get tired.
Put the... the radio back on.
Well, somehow they found us. You promised me we'd be... I know it's not your fault! I'm sorry! You said we'd be safe but we weren't and they found us.
I am! I don't know why you asked me to record this now! We're in your vehicle heading who knows where, and we're both stressing out.
You say they don't know where we are at the moment. I hope that's true... do you have a destination in mind?
You tried to explain to me why they're after us, and I still, still don't fully understand. You say that I'm special somehow, that something happened to me that is unique. You used words that I recognise yet don't understand, so some of it still doesn't make any sense.
I spent the last few weeks learning, I guess, learning about the way the world is, but yet again it felt like I was learning something I already knew, but everything was ever-so subtly different.
We should record more often if you want to keep this up to date, it's hard trying to remember everything that happens when events are so compressed and flow so quickly as they have in recent weeks.
Time... I'm kinda getting used to the speed of it, or the slowness of it... and the way it changes, seemingly flowing quickly one moment then dragging the next. Another oddity of this world I suppose. Which is such a weird thing to say, now I've said it aloud. You tell me I'm not alien, I'm not a stroke victim, I'm not a survivor from some horrid accident, but still... No, I don't know.
Careful! Please, please, I'm only gradually getting used to the world, let alone travelling in a vehicle!
Yes, I think it has plenty of battery, we left it charging over night remember? Anyway, the light is still flashing so I guess it's still recording.
It's late afternoon so the sun is reasonably high, but you say we're going to be on the road for a long time. I know, there's no way I can drive, can you take breaks? Okay sure, but please, don't let us be in more danger from those that hunt us, if you get tired.
Put the... the radio back on.
Monday 16 June 2008
Day 76
Yes, I think it's working. Can you check? The light is flashing, so... I think it's working.
Well, you were with me most of the time, so why... for the record, okay, sure.
You vanished. They wouldn't let me talk to you, something to do with a conflict of interests. Which I still don't fully understand even though you've tried to explain it to me. I was left alone in that place. The others their didn't care, they just wanted to do the minimum required of their jobs, which I guess was to, well, look after me.
The days flowed into each other and I wasn't really aware of time passing. I think they increased whatever it was in that tube in my arm, you know, that makes me sleep. I was hardly aware of anything they were saying, on the rare occasions they bothered to talk to me.
Then you came back. And I don't remember that part very well. However, what I do remember is that everything was blurry, even my thoughts, and I think I was still drugged. And we went outside, because I remember emerging outside the building and the fresh cool air over my face. And we got into your car, and then I slept.
I remember you being very anxious about something.
Did that record okay?
Well, you were with me most of the time, so why... for the record, okay, sure.
You vanished. They wouldn't let me talk to you, something to do with a conflict of interests. Which I still don't fully understand even though you've tried to explain it to me. I was left alone in that place. The others their didn't care, they just wanted to do the minimum required of their jobs, which I guess was to, well, look after me.
The days flowed into each other and I wasn't really aware of time passing. I think they increased whatever it was in that tube in my arm, you know, that makes me sleep. I was hardly aware of anything they were saying, on the rare occasions they bothered to talk to me.
Then you came back. And I don't remember that part very well. However, what I do remember is that everything was blurry, even my thoughts, and I think I was still drugged. And we went outside, because I remember emerging outside the building and the fresh cool air over my face. And we got into your car, and then I slept.
I remember you being very anxious about something.
Did that record okay?
Saturday 12 April 2008
Day 11
No, no, I don't want to talk to you.
Please, where has he gone? What do you mean, conflict of interests? How can that possibly be true?
He was helping me, helping me remember. And now you won't allow him to talk to me?
Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk to anyone else.
Please, where has he gone? What do you mean, conflict of interests? How can that possibly be true?
He was helping me, helping me remember. And now you won't allow him to talk to me?
Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk to anyone else.
Friday 11 April 2008
Day 10
What do you mean? Where is he? I don't understand, why can't the usual person come and talk to me?
Why aren't you telling me everything?
Why aren't you telling me everything?
Thursday 10 April 2008
Day 9, later
I'm so, so sorry.
Will you still take the others out? You will? Okay. I feel so ashamed.
Too much all at once, the garden was bad enough but, out there you can see all the buildings and vehicles and everything and there's no way I'm ready for that.
I'm sorry.
I guess I was getting ahead of myself earlier. I was feeling so optimistic and happy about almost coming to terms with the garden that I must have assumed that was the worst over and done with. And the opportunity to choose some clothes of my own was very inviting.
Sure, if that's okay. I'd like to talk more later.
What, while you're gone? I guess I'll lay and watch the sky some more, and sleep, probably.
Will you still take the others out? You will? Okay. I feel so ashamed.
Too much all at once, the garden was bad enough but, out there you can see all the buildings and vehicles and everything and there's no way I'm ready for that.
I'm sorry.
I guess I was getting ahead of myself earlier. I was feeling so optimistic and happy about almost coming to terms with the garden that I must have assumed that was the worst over and done with. And the opportunity to choose some clothes of my own was very inviting.
Sure, if that's okay. I'd like to talk more later.
What, while you're gone? I guess I'll lay and watch the sky some more, and sleep, probably.
Day 9
(laughs) Sure - I can't wear a hospital gown forever I suppose. How will we pay? I don't have any money on me or any way of paying for anything... you're sure?
Well, that's a good question. To be honest I have no idea what I like. It's almost as though it wasn't something I really had a choice over, before.
The more I think about things, like that, the more it bothers me. Being here, now, it's hard to imagine not having a choice over what clothes I wear. Although of course, being here, I only have the gown. So, I guess I still don't really have a choice.
After food? You'll take me out? Oh... and the others? That's fine, I suppose.
I'm not sure what to expect, to be honest. The garden still, well, bothers me. We'll be inside the vehicle though, right?
I guess we won't know until we try.
Well, that's a good question. To be honest I have no idea what I like. It's almost as though it wasn't something I really had a choice over, before.
The more I think about things, like that, the more it bothers me. Being here, now, it's hard to imagine not having a choice over what clothes I wear. Although of course, being here, I only have the gown. So, I guess I still don't really have a choice.
After food? You'll take me out? Oh... and the others? That's fine, I suppose.
I'm not sure what to expect, to be honest. The garden still, well, bothers me. We'll be inside the vehicle though, right?
I guess we won't know until we try.
Wednesday 9 April 2008
Day 8
Surreal, to be honest. Everything feels... different, out of place, not quite as it should be - at least when compared to before, before I, woke up here.
There's this nagging feeling that, while this is the way everything is supposed to be, and you tell me this is the way it has always been, it's not the way it was before I woke up. But that can't be true, can it?
Examples? Well, like when I was in the garden yesterday, I just felt like I was being flooded with new sensations and feelings, but... well, they can't have been new, surely? I must have had them before... before whatever happened? Right?
I know, and it's hard for me to understand too, so please don't get frustrated with me. Imagine being in my situation. Can you possibly imagine what it must be like to wake up and find yourself, in this, this other place, and absolutely everything feels, wrong, different, to you?
Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you.
So yes... Surreal. While I was in the garden, watching the sun, it seemed, I don't know, slower somehow. Wrong, and out-of-place, actually. I know what the sun is, I know how that works, but... somehow it's not right.
Just sleep now, actually, I'm feeling drained.
There's this nagging feeling that, while this is the way everything is supposed to be, and you tell me this is the way it has always been, it's not the way it was before I woke up. But that can't be true, can it?
Examples? Well, like when I was in the garden yesterday, I just felt like I was being flooded with new sensations and feelings, but... well, they can't have been new, surely? I must have had them before... before whatever happened? Right?
I know, and it's hard for me to understand too, so please don't get frustrated with me. Imagine being in my situation. Can you possibly imagine what it must be like to wake up and find yourself, in this, this other place, and absolutely everything feels, wrong, different, to you?
Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you.
So yes... Surreal. While I was in the garden, watching the sun, it seemed, I don't know, slower somehow. Wrong, and out-of-place, actually. I know what the sun is, I know how that works, but... somehow it's not right.
Just sleep now, actually, I'm feeling drained.
Tuesday 8 April 2008
Day 7
No... Not yet, anyway. I'd rather we continued using the wheelchair for now.
Can we go to the garden please? I'd like to just go and sit there by myself for a while.
Can we go to the garden please? I'd like to just go and sit there by myself for a while.
Monday 7 April 2008
Day 6
Okay, sure, start from the basics.
My name is Aisae. I woke up 5 days ago in here, in your care, with no memory of before. I was found with nothing at all, no identification, or anything. You say no one has contacted you, looking for me, and there are no reports of me being missing... well, I didn't mean it like that. I'm bound to be a little skeptical, much as I trust you it's still hard to completely trust second-hand information.
Oh yes, mustn't forget that. The fact that I seem to remember things, like eating, gardens, even basic things like walking, but when it comes to doing them, it's like I need to learn them all again.
Walking... well, one step at a time (laughs). I'm still shaken by the garden.
Yes, okay, we can talk about that now.I was just overwhelmed. I knew what a garden was. I had a picture in my head of what to expect a garden to look like. What I didn't expect was for it to look so, I don't know, so 'there', so very real and in front of me and beautiful in every single little detail, and no matter how long I looked I was constantly seeing something new. It was like I could watch a single flower forever and I still wouldn't 'know' it completely.
In fact, I think that's it. It feels like I've never had that sensation before. Of being unable to completely define something in it's entirety. As though I'm used to having everything defined within set boundaries and rules, not this deep, endless, consuming fact that even the small, fine details of something have in themselves even smaller, finer details.
Oh... that's obvious, I guess? It's still as much of a jumble in my own mind as in my descriptions to you, so yes, a lot of it doesn't make any sense. But you asked me to tell you everything, and I'm trying.
I'm not sure I like it when you don't know what to say. I guess this must be as confusing to you as it is to me.
That's good... I'm, hungry, I think.
My name is Aisae. I woke up 5 days ago in here, in your care, with no memory of before. I was found with nothing at all, no identification, or anything. You say no one has contacted you, looking for me, and there are no reports of me being missing... well, I didn't mean it like that. I'm bound to be a little skeptical, much as I trust you it's still hard to completely trust second-hand information.
Oh yes, mustn't forget that. The fact that I seem to remember things, like eating, gardens, even basic things like walking, but when it comes to doing them, it's like I need to learn them all again.
Walking... well, one step at a time (laughs). I'm still shaken by the garden.
Yes, okay, we can talk about that now.I was just overwhelmed. I knew what a garden was. I had a picture in my head of what to expect a garden to look like. What I didn't expect was for it to look so, I don't know, so 'there', so very real and in front of me and beautiful in every single little detail, and no matter how long I looked I was constantly seeing something new. It was like I could watch a single flower forever and I still wouldn't 'know' it completely.
In fact, I think that's it. It feels like I've never had that sensation before. Of being unable to completely define something in it's entirety. As though I'm used to having everything defined within set boundaries and rules, not this deep, endless, consuming fact that even the small, fine details of something have in themselves even smaller, finer details.
Oh... that's obvious, I guess? It's still as much of a jumble in my own mind as in my descriptions to you, so yes, a lot of it doesn't make any sense. But you asked me to tell you everything, and I'm trying.
I'm not sure I like it when you don't know what to say. I guess this must be as confusing to you as it is to me.
That's good... I'm, hungry, I think.
Sunday 6 April 2008
Day 5, part 3
No, no, I'm not okay...
You were right, I should have listened. Everything was so overwhelming.
Are you joking? I can't even describe it to myself, I can't even line up the jumbled mess in my head to make sense of the feelings myself, let alone discuss it with you. Please, no, I'm not ready to talk, leave me for now, please.
You were right, I should have listened. Everything was so overwhelming.
Are you joking? I can't even describe it to myself, I can't even line up the jumbled mess in my head to make sense of the feelings myself, let alone discuss it with you. Please, no, I'm not ready to talk, leave me for now, please.
Day 5, part 2
I... please, take me back, back to the room, the bed. Please! This is all too, too much.
Please take me back!
Please take me back!
Day 5
Yes, thank you, I'm okay. Confused still, getting more and more frustrated, not being able to remember anything from before.
That's good, I guess. That I'm physically fit, I mean... (laughs) not that you'll let me run around this place or anything. Oh I know, I know. The security is here for my protection. But I don't even know what I'm being protected from, so... yes, I know, as I said before, I have to trust you on this since, well, I don't know anything else. I have to trust that you have my best interests in mind.
Hungry? Yes, I think I am - since that first meal a few, er, days ago, I've been getting this feeling, this urge to eat more, to, I don't know, eat until I can't eat anymore, then when I have eaten I feel like I never want to ever again.
You promise? After I've eaten? You'll really show me the garden?
That's good, I guess. That I'm physically fit, I mean... (laughs) not that you'll let me run around this place or anything. Oh I know, I know. The security is here for my protection. But I don't even know what I'm being protected from, so... yes, I know, as I said before, I have to trust you on this since, well, I don't know anything else. I have to trust that you have my best interests in mind.
Hungry? Yes, I think I am - since that first meal a few, er, days ago, I've been getting this feeling, this urge to eat more, to, I don't know, eat until I can't eat anymore, then when I have eaten I feel like I never want to ever again.
You promise? After I've eaten? You'll really show me the garden?
Saturday 5 April 2008
Day 4
When will you show me what it's like outside? I don't even know where I... yes, I know I'm in a hospital... you told me this place has gardens and a lake? When will you show me?
You keep saying I'm not ready but I'm not sure what it is I'm not ready for. I've seen gardens before, even have a few nice pictures of some I took in... in my... actually, where are all the things I had... before? I have this vague impression that I had some, belongings I guess, you know, things I carried around with me.
What, nothing at all? What about clothes, what was I wearing when they found me? I don't understand. That's all you say to me, that I'm not ready, not ready to what? Understand your answers?
All I can see through the window here is the sky. I lay for hours sometimes, just watching the clouds, so long sometimes that it seems everything here is at a much slower pace than... than before. It's probably due to... well, my memories are all blurry so maybe my perceptions are too.
No, I still can't remember any more about myself other than my name, Aisae... Hasn't anyone tried to contact you? Or... I don't know, haven't I been reported missing? I have, memories, blurry, of... friends, I guess? Family...?
Sure, I guess... tomorrow? Will you show me the garden tomorrow?
You keep saying I'm not ready but I'm not sure what it is I'm not ready for. I've seen gardens before, even have a few nice pictures of some I took in... in my... actually, where are all the things I had... before? I have this vague impression that I had some, belongings I guess, you know, things I carried around with me.
What, nothing at all? What about clothes, what was I wearing when they found me? I don't understand. That's all you say to me, that I'm not ready, not ready to what? Understand your answers?
All I can see through the window here is the sky. I lay for hours sometimes, just watching the clouds, so long sometimes that it seems everything here is at a much slower pace than... than before. It's probably due to... well, my memories are all blurry so maybe my perceptions are too.
No, I still can't remember any more about myself other than my name, Aisae... Hasn't anyone tried to contact you? Or... I don't know, haven't I been reported missing? I have, memories, blurry, of... friends, I guess? Family...?
Sure, I guess... tomorrow? Will you show me the garden tomorrow?
Friday 4 April 2008
Day 3
I'm not sure I'm ready for another session. Why do you have to keep asking me all these questions? Yes of course I want to remember, but I'm tired and... yes, I know. I'm sorry. It's just so, so difficult.
Yes, I did, actually. The meal was kind of like everything else at the moment... I knew what it was, what to expect, but it was like I'd never actually gone through the whole process before.
I wish there was a way, or some kind of trigger to get my memories back; I feel like a helpless child.
So... does this mean I don't need these things in my arms? They're kind of restrictive, especially now as I... I can eat. Well, whatever you think is best.
Yes, I do remember a little bit more. When I sleep, I dream, which is a surprise in itself. Every time I sleep and dream, a little more gets revealed to me.
Of course, now I'm not sure whether it's hidden memories being revealed, or something new... sorry, yes I'm getting to that. I still get that, memory, feeling, of being closed in. Walls all around. But now I can picture the walls, they're almost white in colour, and the whole room is... oddly lit, and this leads me onto a feeling of confusion as I'm sure there are no actual lights in the room.
The more I think about it the more it seems like it's something from my imagination rather than my memory.
Can we finish this session early? I feel... well, confused, mostly. My brain is trying to process everything, but based on incomplete memories and assumptions, and I'm tired.
(laughs) Well, it's not like I can sneak out without someone noticing! And besides, where would I go?
Yes, I did, actually. The meal was kind of like everything else at the moment... I knew what it was, what to expect, but it was like I'd never actually gone through the whole process before.
I wish there was a way, or some kind of trigger to get my memories back; I feel like a helpless child.
So... does this mean I don't need these things in my arms? They're kind of restrictive, especially now as I... I can eat. Well, whatever you think is best.
Yes, I do remember a little bit more. When I sleep, I dream, which is a surprise in itself. Every time I sleep and dream, a little more gets revealed to me.
Of course, now I'm not sure whether it's hidden memories being revealed, or something new... sorry, yes I'm getting to that. I still get that, memory, feeling, of being closed in. Walls all around. But now I can picture the walls, they're almost white in colour, and the whole room is... oddly lit, and this leads me onto a feeling of confusion as I'm sure there are no actual lights in the room.
The more I think about it the more it seems like it's something from my imagination rather than my memory.
Can we finish this session early? I feel... well, confused, mostly. My brain is trying to process everything, but based on incomplete memories and assumptions, and I'm tired.
(laughs) Well, it's not like I can sneak out without someone noticing! And besides, where would I go?
Thursday 3 April 2008
Day 2
No, it's okay, I'm awake. I was laying here with my eyes shut, trying to remember, but the memories seem just beyond my grasp at the moment.
Was I in an accident? You're sure? I guess that's something to be thankful for. I just... I don't understand. I can't remember anything except my name. Assuming that memory is accurate, of course. Oh... really? Well, thank you - at least you've confirmed the one memory I'm sure of is actually true.
I have these vague feelings, outlines of thoughts and memories, like, I know what food is, and I know I must live somewhere, or used to live somewhere, I guess, but the memories are like holes, their shape defined by the things around them, rather than having details of their own.
Yes, yes I think I would like something to eat. This'll be interesting.
I was wondering, maybe... I wish there were a way to see myself. Maybe that would trigger some kind... what do you mean? A mirror... I guess it's worth a try. I have to trust you as I... well, what choice do I have.
Eat first? Okay.
Was I in an accident? You're sure? I guess that's something to be thankful for. I just... I don't understand. I can't remember anything except my name. Assuming that memory is accurate, of course. Oh... really? Well, thank you - at least you've confirmed the one memory I'm sure of is actually true.
I have these vague feelings, outlines of thoughts and memories, like, I know what food is, and I know I must live somewhere, or used to live somewhere, I guess, but the memories are like holes, their shape defined by the things around them, rather than having details of their own.
Yes, yes I think I would like something to eat. This'll be interesting.
I was wondering, maybe... I wish there were a way to see myself. Maybe that would trigger some kind... what do you mean? A mirror... I guess it's worth a try. I have to trust you as I... well, what choice do I have.
Eat first? Okay.
Wednesday 2 April 2008
Day 1
Yes? Yes, I can hear you.
Can you tell me where I am? I don't remember this place. My name? It's Aisae. I remember that much at least. Will you tell me where... what do you mean? Okay. I don't understand but I'm not sure I have a choice but to wait.
The last thing I remember... that's a good question. I remember being in a room, the sense of being closed in with walls all around. Beyond that it's pretty... fuzzy.
Other than confused? I feel tired. Tired, like even breathing is an effort. Almost like it's something new. My eyes are sore, too.
Yeah... I think I will sleep. Will you still be here? Okay, and you'll explain everything? Well, I'd like to know, even if I won't understand. Okay, fair enough.
Bye for now then, I guess. And thank you.
Can you tell me where I am? I don't remember this place. My name? It's Aisae. I remember that much at least. Will you tell me where... what do you mean? Okay. I don't understand but I'm not sure I have a choice but to wait.
The last thing I remember... that's a good question. I remember being in a room, the sense of being closed in with walls all around. Beyond that it's pretty... fuzzy.
Other than confused? I feel tired. Tired, like even breathing is an effort. Almost like it's something new. My eyes are sore, too.
Yeah... I think I will sleep. Will you still be here? Okay, and you'll explain everything? Well, I'd like to know, even if I won't understand. Okay, fair enough.
Bye for now then, I guess. And thank you.
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