Day 113

I'm... I'm what? No, I don't understand. Sure, you've done a pretty good job of explaining things to me but, no... that just doesn't make any sense.

I don't understand how that makes me so... what? Never? Well, what about me then? Is that why I feel so out-of-place? Is that why everything is so familiar, yet so new? Is that why this whole world feels like, I don't know, feels like... damn I just don't have the words.

It's like the difference between someone who has ridden a bike all his life, compared to someone who's just been told what a bike is, and read about one, and seen pictures of one, throughout their life, so much so that they feel that if they were given a bike for the first time, they'd know exactly how to use it. I feel like I KNOW what everything is, how everything works, but I realise that it's not through my own actions and learning, but through explanation and word-of-mouth and second-hand knowledge.

And now, these things you're telling me. These explanations for why I feel like this, why I'm different, why I can't remember things before that time...

Why now? Why wasn't I ready to be told this last week? Or next week? Why now?

Day 111

Well, good morning to you, too.

Sorry? Oh... pretty badly actually. I kept having the same nightmare whenever I drifted off to sleep.

Yeah, I can remember it pretty vividly. I think it's part of the memories I'm repressing, but earlier in time to the part with the white walls.

Just like the other part, with the walls, I'm kinda watching myself from outside. I see myself walking up a stoney pathway towards a large house, and the sky is dark and cloudy. The house is set on a cliff top and beyond it I can see the sea. As I get closer to the house the viewpoint moves past me, and into the house, and I get a feeling of dread, as though there's something waiting inside for me. The point of view in my dream focuses on something in the house, and I know I should remember what it is, but in the dream it's just an empty space for me. It has that feeling, you know, like a blind spot, knowing there's something there but just being unable to see it. At that point I wake up.

I'm sorry too, it doesn't really shed any more light on what happened.

Of course I'll let you know. I need to know what happened more than you do, believe me.

Day 97

Yeah... I know. I've been awake for a while actually, listening to the sea. I'm still on edge... can't quite settle down. They could be here any moment... yes, yes, even though you tell me we're safe. I just have this feeling.

But... I don't want to be a burden on you. But I'm too scared to face the world by myself, that's for sure. I don't have anything to give you, all I can do is do whatever you ask me to do, to help.

No, not yet. Not unless we have to. I'm just taking this time to try and remember.

My dream? No, not much more. I keep waking up at the same point, with my eyes failing to adjust to the darkness revealed by the white walls falling away.

I know. Me too.

Day 93

Yes... it is very quiet here.

It's also very beautiful. Again the feeling of discord, of... of believing that I know what all these things are, yet not getting that spark of recognition. But then, you know that's how I feel.

But, I'm trying to put that aside, trying to ignore it, even though I get that feeling almost all of the time.

You say this house isn't linked to you? A friend? And you can trust them? I have no idea. I have to trust your judgement again. I'm not entirely convinced though, they seem to be very resourceful. I wish I knew why I was so important.

No, I'm fine. It's so peaceful sitting here watching the... the waves washing up on the beach. At least now I have time to think.

Yes, I did, while I was dozing in the car yesterday. The dream started the same as before, with just the feeling of enclosure, of... what? Claus... claustrophobia, yes. Then I saw the walls, the white walls, all around me. But this time the dream lasted a little longer, and the walls started getting brighter, seemingly lit by nothing other than themselves, until they were almost painfully bright. Just as I began to think I couldn't stand the brightness, the walls seemed to fall away, allowing a brief glimpse of something darker outside, but my eyes could not adjust in time, because at that point I woke up. To find myself in your car, here.

I'm hungry.

Day 91

Okay, okay! It's on now. Please don't shout, I know, I know!

Well, somehow they found us. You promised me we'd be... I know it's not your fault! I'm sorry! You said we'd be safe but we weren't and they found us.

I am! I don't know why you asked me to record this now! We're in your vehicle heading who knows where, and we're both stressing out.

You say they don't know where we are at the moment. I hope that's true... do you have a destination in mind?

You tried to explain to me why they're after us, and I still, still don't fully understand. You say that I'm special somehow, that something happened to me that is unique. You used words that I recognise yet don't understand, so some of it still doesn't make any sense.

I spent the last few weeks learning, I guess, learning about the way the world is, but yet again it felt like I was learning something I already knew, but everything was ever-so subtly different.

We should record more often if you want to keep this up to date, it's hard trying to remember everything that happens when events are so compressed and flow so quickly as they have in recent weeks.

Time... I'm kinda getting used to the speed of it, or the slowness of it... and the way it changes, seemingly flowing quickly one moment then dragging the next. Another oddity of this world I suppose. Which is such a weird thing to say, now I've said it aloud. You tell me I'm not alien, I'm not a stroke victim, I'm not a survivor from some horrid accident, but still... No, I don't know.

Careful! Please, please, I'm only gradually getting used to the world, let alone travelling in a vehicle!

Yes, I think it has plenty of battery, we left it charging over night remember? Anyway, the light is still flashing so I guess it's still recording.

It's late afternoon so the sun is reasonably high, but you say we're going to be on the road for a long time. I know, there's no way I can drive, can you take breaks? Okay sure, but please, don't let us be in more danger from those that hunt us, if you get tired.

Put the... the radio back on.

Day 76

Yes, I think it's working. Can you check? The light is flashing, so... I think it's working.

Well, you were with me most of the time, so why... for the record, okay, sure.

You vanished. They wouldn't let me talk to you, something to do with a conflict of interests. Which I still don't fully understand even though you've tried to explain it to me. I was left alone in that place. The others their didn't care, they just wanted to do the minimum required of their jobs, which I guess was to, well, look after me.

The days flowed into each other and I wasn't really aware of time passing. I think they increased whatever it was in that tube in my arm, you know, that makes me sleep. I was hardly aware of anything they were saying, on the rare occasions they bothered to talk to me.

Then you came back. And I don't remember that part very well. However, what I do remember is that everything was blurry, even my thoughts, and I think I was still drugged. And we went outside, because I remember emerging outside the building and the fresh cool air over my face. And we got into your car, and then I slept.

I remember you being very anxious about something.

Did that record okay?

Day 11

No, no, I don't want to talk to you.

Please, where has he gone? What do you mean, conflict of interests? How can that possibly be true?

He was helping me, helping me remember. And now you won't allow him to talk to me?

Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk to anyone else.

Day 10

What do you mean? Where is he? I don't understand, why can't the usual person come and talk to me?

Why aren't you telling me everything?

Day 9, later

I'm so, so sorry.

Will you still take the others out? You will? Okay. I feel so ashamed.

Too much all at once, the garden was bad enough but, out there you can see all the buildings and vehicles and everything and there's no way I'm ready for that.

I'm sorry.

I guess I was getting ahead of myself earlier. I was feeling so optimistic and happy about almost coming to terms with the garden that I must have assumed that was the worst over and done with. And the opportunity to choose some clothes of my own was very inviting.

Sure, if that's okay. I'd like to talk more later.

What, while you're gone? I guess I'll lay and watch the sky some more, and sleep, probably.

Day 9

(laughs) Sure - I can't wear a hospital gown forever I suppose. How will we pay? I don't have any money on me or any way of paying for anything... you're sure?

Well, that's a good question. To be honest I have no idea what I like. It's almost as though it wasn't something I really had a choice over, before.

The more I think about things, like that, the more it bothers me. Being here, now, it's hard to imagine not having a choice over what clothes I wear. Although of course, being here, I only have the gown. So, I guess I still don't really have a choice.

After food? You'll take me out? Oh... and the others? That's fine, I suppose.

I'm not sure what to expect, to be honest. The garden still, well, bothers me. We'll be inside the vehicle though, right?

I guess we won't know until we try.

Day 8

Surreal, to be honest. Everything feels... different, out of place, not quite as it should be - at least when compared to before, before I, woke up here.

There's this nagging feeling that, while this is the way everything is supposed to be, and you tell me this is the way it has always been, it's not the way it was before I woke up. But that can't be true, can it?

Examples? Well, like when I was in the garden yesterday, I just felt like I was being flooded with new sensations and feelings, but... well, they can't have been new, surely? I must have had them before... before whatever happened? Right?

I know, and it's hard for me to understand too, so please don't get frustrated with me. Imagine being in my situation. Can you possibly imagine what it must be like to wake up and find yourself, in this, this other place, and absolutely everything feels, wrong, different, to you?

Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you.

So yes... Surreal. While I was in the garden, watching the sun, it seemed, I don't know, slower somehow. Wrong, and out-of-place, actually. I know what the sun is, I know how that works, but... somehow it's not right.

Just sleep now, actually, I'm feeling drained.

Day 7

No... Not yet, anyway. I'd rather we continued using the wheelchair for now.

Can we go to the garden please? I'd like to just go and sit there by myself for a while.