No, no, I don't want to talk to you.
Please, where has he gone? What do you mean, conflict of interests? How can that possibly be true?
He was helping me, helping me remember. And now you won't allow him to talk to me?
Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk to anyone else.
Saturday 12 April 2008
Friday 11 April 2008
Day 10
What do you mean? Where is he? I don't understand, why can't the usual person come and talk to me?
Why aren't you telling me everything?
Why aren't you telling me everything?
Thursday 10 April 2008
Day 9, later
I'm so, so sorry.
Will you still take the others out? You will? Okay. I feel so ashamed.
Too much all at once, the garden was bad enough but, out there you can see all the buildings and vehicles and everything and there's no way I'm ready for that.
I'm sorry.
I guess I was getting ahead of myself earlier. I was feeling so optimistic and happy about almost coming to terms with the garden that I must have assumed that was the worst over and done with. And the opportunity to choose some clothes of my own was very inviting.
Sure, if that's okay. I'd like to talk more later.
What, while you're gone? I guess I'll lay and watch the sky some more, and sleep, probably.
Will you still take the others out? You will? Okay. I feel so ashamed.
Too much all at once, the garden was bad enough but, out there you can see all the buildings and vehicles and everything and there's no way I'm ready for that.
I'm sorry.
I guess I was getting ahead of myself earlier. I was feeling so optimistic and happy about almost coming to terms with the garden that I must have assumed that was the worst over and done with. And the opportunity to choose some clothes of my own was very inviting.
Sure, if that's okay. I'd like to talk more later.
What, while you're gone? I guess I'll lay and watch the sky some more, and sleep, probably.
Day 9
(laughs) Sure - I can't wear a hospital gown forever I suppose. How will we pay? I don't have any money on me or any way of paying for anything... you're sure?
Well, that's a good question. To be honest I have no idea what I like. It's almost as though it wasn't something I really had a choice over, before.
The more I think about things, like that, the more it bothers me. Being here, now, it's hard to imagine not having a choice over what clothes I wear. Although of course, being here, I only have the gown. So, I guess I still don't really have a choice.
After food? You'll take me out? Oh... and the others? That's fine, I suppose.
I'm not sure what to expect, to be honest. The garden still, well, bothers me. We'll be inside the vehicle though, right?
I guess we won't know until we try.
Well, that's a good question. To be honest I have no idea what I like. It's almost as though it wasn't something I really had a choice over, before.
The more I think about things, like that, the more it bothers me. Being here, now, it's hard to imagine not having a choice over what clothes I wear. Although of course, being here, I only have the gown. So, I guess I still don't really have a choice.
After food? You'll take me out? Oh... and the others? That's fine, I suppose.
I'm not sure what to expect, to be honest. The garden still, well, bothers me. We'll be inside the vehicle though, right?
I guess we won't know until we try.
Wednesday 9 April 2008
Day 8
Surreal, to be honest. Everything feels... different, out of place, not quite as it should be - at least when compared to before, before I, woke up here.
There's this nagging feeling that, while this is the way everything is supposed to be, and you tell me this is the way it has always been, it's not the way it was before I woke up. But that can't be true, can it?
Examples? Well, like when I was in the garden yesterday, I just felt like I was being flooded with new sensations and feelings, but... well, they can't have been new, surely? I must have had them before... before whatever happened? Right?
I know, and it's hard for me to understand too, so please don't get frustrated with me. Imagine being in my situation. Can you possibly imagine what it must be like to wake up and find yourself, in this, this other place, and absolutely everything feels, wrong, different, to you?
Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you.
So yes... Surreal. While I was in the garden, watching the sun, it seemed, I don't know, slower somehow. Wrong, and out-of-place, actually. I know what the sun is, I know how that works, but... somehow it's not right.
Just sleep now, actually, I'm feeling drained.
There's this nagging feeling that, while this is the way everything is supposed to be, and you tell me this is the way it has always been, it's not the way it was before I woke up. But that can't be true, can it?
Examples? Well, like when I was in the garden yesterday, I just felt like I was being flooded with new sensations and feelings, but... well, they can't have been new, surely? I must have had them before... before whatever happened? Right?
I know, and it's hard for me to understand too, so please don't get frustrated with me. Imagine being in my situation. Can you possibly imagine what it must be like to wake up and find yourself, in this, this other place, and absolutely everything feels, wrong, different, to you?
Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you.
So yes... Surreal. While I was in the garden, watching the sun, it seemed, I don't know, slower somehow. Wrong, and out-of-place, actually. I know what the sun is, I know how that works, but... somehow it's not right.
Just sleep now, actually, I'm feeling drained.
Tuesday 8 April 2008
Day 7
No... Not yet, anyway. I'd rather we continued using the wheelchair for now.
Can we go to the garden please? I'd like to just go and sit there by myself for a while.
Can we go to the garden please? I'd like to just go and sit there by myself for a while.
Monday 7 April 2008
Day 6
Okay, sure, start from the basics.
My name is Aisae. I woke up 5 days ago in here, in your care, with no memory of before. I was found with nothing at all, no identification, or anything. You say no one has contacted you, looking for me, and there are no reports of me being missing... well, I didn't mean it like that. I'm bound to be a little skeptical, much as I trust you it's still hard to completely trust second-hand information.
Oh yes, mustn't forget that. The fact that I seem to remember things, like eating, gardens, even basic things like walking, but when it comes to doing them, it's like I need to learn them all again.
Walking... well, one step at a time (laughs). I'm still shaken by the garden.
Yes, okay, we can talk about that now.I was just overwhelmed. I knew what a garden was. I had a picture in my head of what to expect a garden to look like. What I didn't expect was for it to look so, I don't know, so 'there', so very real and in front of me and beautiful in every single little detail, and no matter how long I looked I was constantly seeing something new. It was like I could watch a single flower forever and I still wouldn't 'know' it completely.
In fact, I think that's it. It feels like I've never had that sensation before. Of being unable to completely define something in it's entirety. As though I'm used to having everything defined within set boundaries and rules, not this deep, endless, consuming fact that even the small, fine details of something have in themselves even smaller, finer details.
Oh... that's obvious, I guess? It's still as much of a jumble in my own mind as in my descriptions to you, so yes, a lot of it doesn't make any sense. But you asked me to tell you everything, and I'm trying.
I'm not sure I like it when you don't know what to say. I guess this must be as confusing to you as it is to me.
That's good... I'm, hungry, I think.
My name is Aisae. I woke up 5 days ago in here, in your care, with no memory of before. I was found with nothing at all, no identification, or anything. You say no one has contacted you, looking for me, and there are no reports of me being missing... well, I didn't mean it like that. I'm bound to be a little skeptical, much as I trust you it's still hard to completely trust second-hand information.
Oh yes, mustn't forget that. The fact that I seem to remember things, like eating, gardens, even basic things like walking, but when it comes to doing them, it's like I need to learn them all again.
Walking... well, one step at a time (laughs). I'm still shaken by the garden.
Yes, okay, we can talk about that now.I was just overwhelmed. I knew what a garden was. I had a picture in my head of what to expect a garden to look like. What I didn't expect was for it to look so, I don't know, so 'there', so very real and in front of me and beautiful in every single little detail, and no matter how long I looked I was constantly seeing something new. It was like I could watch a single flower forever and I still wouldn't 'know' it completely.
In fact, I think that's it. It feels like I've never had that sensation before. Of being unable to completely define something in it's entirety. As though I'm used to having everything defined within set boundaries and rules, not this deep, endless, consuming fact that even the small, fine details of something have in themselves even smaller, finer details.
Oh... that's obvious, I guess? It's still as much of a jumble in my own mind as in my descriptions to you, so yes, a lot of it doesn't make any sense. But you asked me to tell you everything, and I'm trying.
I'm not sure I like it when you don't know what to say. I guess this must be as confusing to you as it is to me.
That's good... I'm, hungry, I think.
Sunday 6 April 2008
Day 5, part 3
No, no, I'm not okay...
You were right, I should have listened. Everything was so overwhelming.
Are you joking? I can't even describe it to myself, I can't even line up the jumbled mess in my head to make sense of the feelings myself, let alone discuss it with you. Please, no, I'm not ready to talk, leave me for now, please.
You were right, I should have listened. Everything was so overwhelming.
Are you joking? I can't even describe it to myself, I can't even line up the jumbled mess in my head to make sense of the feelings myself, let alone discuss it with you. Please, no, I'm not ready to talk, leave me for now, please.
Day 5, part 2
I... please, take me back, back to the room, the bed. Please! This is all too, too much.
Please take me back!
Please take me back!
Day 5
Yes, thank you, I'm okay. Confused still, getting more and more frustrated, not being able to remember anything from before.
That's good, I guess. That I'm physically fit, I mean... (laughs) not that you'll let me run around this place or anything. Oh I know, I know. The security is here for my protection. But I don't even know what I'm being protected from, so... yes, I know, as I said before, I have to trust you on this since, well, I don't know anything else. I have to trust that you have my best interests in mind.
Hungry? Yes, I think I am - since that first meal a few, er, days ago, I've been getting this feeling, this urge to eat more, to, I don't know, eat until I can't eat anymore, then when I have eaten I feel like I never want to ever again.
You promise? After I've eaten? You'll really show me the garden?
That's good, I guess. That I'm physically fit, I mean... (laughs) not that you'll let me run around this place or anything. Oh I know, I know. The security is here for my protection. But I don't even know what I'm being protected from, so... yes, I know, as I said before, I have to trust you on this since, well, I don't know anything else. I have to trust that you have my best interests in mind.
Hungry? Yes, I think I am - since that first meal a few, er, days ago, I've been getting this feeling, this urge to eat more, to, I don't know, eat until I can't eat anymore, then when I have eaten I feel like I never want to ever again.
You promise? After I've eaten? You'll really show me the garden?
Saturday 5 April 2008
Day 4
When will you show me what it's like outside? I don't even know where I... yes, I know I'm in a hospital... you told me this place has gardens and a lake? When will you show me?
You keep saying I'm not ready but I'm not sure what it is I'm not ready for. I've seen gardens before, even have a few nice pictures of some I took in... in my... actually, where are all the things I had... before? I have this vague impression that I had some, belongings I guess, you know, things I carried around with me.
What, nothing at all? What about clothes, what was I wearing when they found me? I don't understand. That's all you say to me, that I'm not ready, not ready to what? Understand your answers?
All I can see through the window here is the sky. I lay for hours sometimes, just watching the clouds, so long sometimes that it seems everything here is at a much slower pace than... than before. It's probably due to... well, my memories are all blurry so maybe my perceptions are too.
No, I still can't remember any more about myself other than my name, Aisae... Hasn't anyone tried to contact you? Or... I don't know, haven't I been reported missing? I have, memories, blurry, of... friends, I guess? Family...?
Sure, I guess... tomorrow? Will you show me the garden tomorrow?
You keep saying I'm not ready but I'm not sure what it is I'm not ready for. I've seen gardens before, even have a few nice pictures of some I took in... in my... actually, where are all the things I had... before? I have this vague impression that I had some, belongings I guess, you know, things I carried around with me.
What, nothing at all? What about clothes, what was I wearing when they found me? I don't understand. That's all you say to me, that I'm not ready, not ready to what? Understand your answers?
All I can see through the window here is the sky. I lay for hours sometimes, just watching the clouds, so long sometimes that it seems everything here is at a much slower pace than... than before. It's probably due to... well, my memories are all blurry so maybe my perceptions are too.
No, I still can't remember any more about myself other than my name, Aisae... Hasn't anyone tried to contact you? Or... I don't know, haven't I been reported missing? I have, memories, blurry, of... friends, I guess? Family...?
Sure, I guess... tomorrow? Will you show me the garden tomorrow?
Friday 4 April 2008
Day 3
I'm not sure I'm ready for another session. Why do you have to keep asking me all these questions? Yes of course I want to remember, but I'm tired and... yes, I know. I'm sorry. It's just so, so difficult.
Yes, I did, actually. The meal was kind of like everything else at the moment... I knew what it was, what to expect, but it was like I'd never actually gone through the whole process before.
I wish there was a way, or some kind of trigger to get my memories back; I feel like a helpless child.
So... does this mean I don't need these things in my arms? They're kind of restrictive, especially now as I... I can eat. Well, whatever you think is best.
Yes, I do remember a little bit more. When I sleep, I dream, which is a surprise in itself. Every time I sleep and dream, a little more gets revealed to me.
Of course, now I'm not sure whether it's hidden memories being revealed, or something new... sorry, yes I'm getting to that. I still get that, memory, feeling, of being closed in. Walls all around. But now I can picture the walls, they're almost white in colour, and the whole room is... oddly lit, and this leads me onto a feeling of confusion as I'm sure there are no actual lights in the room.
The more I think about it the more it seems like it's something from my imagination rather than my memory.
Can we finish this session early? I feel... well, confused, mostly. My brain is trying to process everything, but based on incomplete memories and assumptions, and I'm tired.
(laughs) Well, it's not like I can sneak out without someone noticing! And besides, where would I go?
Yes, I did, actually. The meal was kind of like everything else at the moment... I knew what it was, what to expect, but it was like I'd never actually gone through the whole process before.
I wish there was a way, or some kind of trigger to get my memories back; I feel like a helpless child.
So... does this mean I don't need these things in my arms? They're kind of restrictive, especially now as I... I can eat. Well, whatever you think is best.
Yes, I do remember a little bit more. When I sleep, I dream, which is a surprise in itself. Every time I sleep and dream, a little more gets revealed to me.
Of course, now I'm not sure whether it's hidden memories being revealed, or something new... sorry, yes I'm getting to that. I still get that, memory, feeling, of being closed in. Walls all around. But now I can picture the walls, they're almost white in colour, and the whole room is... oddly lit, and this leads me onto a feeling of confusion as I'm sure there are no actual lights in the room.
The more I think about it the more it seems like it's something from my imagination rather than my memory.
Can we finish this session early? I feel... well, confused, mostly. My brain is trying to process everything, but based on incomplete memories and assumptions, and I'm tired.
(laughs) Well, it's not like I can sneak out without someone noticing! And besides, where would I go?
Thursday 3 April 2008
Day 2
No, it's okay, I'm awake. I was laying here with my eyes shut, trying to remember, but the memories seem just beyond my grasp at the moment.
Was I in an accident? You're sure? I guess that's something to be thankful for. I just... I don't understand. I can't remember anything except my name. Assuming that memory is accurate, of course. Oh... really? Well, thank you - at least you've confirmed the one memory I'm sure of is actually true.
I have these vague feelings, outlines of thoughts and memories, like, I know what food is, and I know I must live somewhere, or used to live somewhere, I guess, but the memories are like holes, their shape defined by the things around them, rather than having details of their own.
Yes, yes I think I would like something to eat. This'll be interesting.
I was wondering, maybe... I wish there were a way to see myself. Maybe that would trigger some kind... what do you mean? A mirror... I guess it's worth a try. I have to trust you as I... well, what choice do I have.
Eat first? Okay.
Was I in an accident? You're sure? I guess that's something to be thankful for. I just... I don't understand. I can't remember anything except my name. Assuming that memory is accurate, of course. Oh... really? Well, thank you - at least you've confirmed the one memory I'm sure of is actually true.
I have these vague feelings, outlines of thoughts and memories, like, I know what food is, and I know I must live somewhere, or used to live somewhere, I guess, but the memories are like holes, their shape defined by the things around them, rather than having details of their own.
Yes, yes I think I would like something to eat. This'll be interesting.
I was wondering, maybe... I wish there were a way to see myself. Maybe that would trigger some kind... what do you mean? A mirror... I guess it's worth a try. I have to trust you as I... well, what choice do I have.
Eat first? Okay.
Wednesday 2 April 2008
Day 1
Yes? Yes, I can hear you.
Can you tell me where I am? I don't remember this place. My name? It's Aisae. I remember that much at least. Will you tell me where... what do you mean? Okay. I don't understand but I'm not sure I have a choice but to wait.
The last thing I remember... that's a good question. I remember being in a room, the sense of being closed in with walls all around. Beyond that it's pretty... fuzzy.
Other than confused? I feel tired. Tired, like even breathing is an effort. Almost like it's something new. My eyes are sore, too.
Yeah... I think I will sleep. Will you still be here? Okay, and you'll explain everything? Well, I'd like to know, even if I won't understand. Okay, fair enough.
Bye for now then, I guess. And thank you.
Can you tell me where I am? I don't remember this place. My name? It's Aisae. I remember that much at least. Will you tell me where... what do you mean? Okay. I don't understand but I'm not sure I have a choice but to wait.
The last thing I remember... that's a good question. I remember being in a room, the sense of being closed in with walls all around. Beyond that it's pretty... fuzzy.
Other than confused? I feel tired. Tired, like even breathing is an effort. Almost like it's something new. My eyes are sore, too.
Yeah... I think I will sleep. Will you still be here? Okay, and you'll explain everything? Well, I'd like to know, even if I won't understand. Okay, fair enough.
Bye for now then, I guess. And thank you.
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